Conversations with Self

Self, you know I can’t make decisions. That’s why I’m stuck. I’m so stuck. This entire day — it’s been so many hours — and I’m still stuck!

The crap. Get on with it! You just need to start moving. You are so heavy now. Almost like dead. You were talking about your ideas fleeting and hard to get them back to you? It’s because you’re not moving! You take 2 steps and said that’s it, it’s ended. You move for a few seconds and fall back to where you are. They are still there! You remember when you tried rock climbing for the first time? You just keep thinking, there’s no way I can raise myself up with two hands. But everyone’s watching you and say, oh you’ve got such long arms and long legs. It’s so much easier for you. Yet they are going places and you are not. You didn’t even raise your arm to the full length! You just thought you couldn’t do it. You didn’t actually try. They see you doing it. You reached out, right? You were surprised, seeing you can actually extend your arm further than you wanted.

It takes me half an hour to decide which cafe to go to. It takes me another half to decide if I really want to go out.

You’re good at this, aren’t you? Starting up new topics I can rant about, so that you can pull away, and let me do the talking. Gosh, you always make me do the work! Here I am, worrying about us, and you just keep wanting to sit back.

What’s wrong with sitting back?

Well you pretend to be my friend and that we are one, and a great one. But you are so detached. Is that why you are not happy today? I get it. You’re not really unhappy. Just not happy. What’s wrong? Am I doing too much, or too little?

You’re perfectly fine. I can’t live without you chattering all the time. I’d have no ideas and no creativity without your rhetorics.

So what if I keep talking? Here we go again — Why are you giving me all the work? I thought we could be happy together.

Maybe I took you for granted. Maybe I’m not thankful enough. That must be why I am not happy today — anyone who is thankful would be happy. 

Well do you want me to start analyzing again? We know it doesn’t accomplish too much.

Sometimes I don’t like your descriptions. As good as you are with logic and symbolism and metaphors, it seems like you’re just carried away in your talent and not being present with me. Your words are not meaningful. They are not illuminating for me, or for others. 

You know I am not the most emotional or compassionate one, right? You kind of have to teach me. What is it that you want? Do you need more stimulants? Like when you first walked into this cafe? Or when you just started chatting with strangers? Do you need all those moments all the time to keep you alive? Those are the times you stand up and walk around, and stop needing me. Those are the times you have momentum. I’m not hurt or anything. Just thought you’d like to be aware of that. Do you rely on stimulants? Am still your stimulant?

You might be more of a companion than stimulant. 

Okay. Your companion is going to go for a walk. The bat cave metaphor I described your fleeting thoughts as — and the mines of World of Warcraft as it came into your mind — I like those metaphors I came up with. I’m going to enjoy them for a bit. And I think… you’d like me to go explore on my own. I’ve accompanied your loneliness for a while. I think you’re going to enjoy some active solitary now. See you later, my self.

Oh.

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